So, WAS 2013 The Dumbest Year?

So, WAS 2013 The Dumbest Year?

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It’s the end of 2013 and as is customary, the internet is being gobbled up with reminiscences about the year. I’ve never paid much attention to this norm (apart from watching “Top 10 Tamil Songs of the Year”, on Sun TV during school days, attributable largely to boredom & lack of DTH services and to a very small extent to being lame) but this year was different. For me, 2013 was a vastly relaxed (barring my attempt at CA Final Exams), meaningful (barring my attempt at CA Final Exams) and to a great degree, a productive year (barring my attempt at CA Final Exams).

However, after reading this article on the 33 Dumbest Things That Happened in 2013, it was time for some re-evaluation. In the very very few areas that I take a keen interest in, 2013 was nothing short of a dramatic tragedy. The NaMo revolution may have replaced the Nano saga, Mars maybe the next Star Wars, NSA seems to be spying on US Citizens, Sachin Tendulkar bid a tearful goodbye while Andy Murray gave Britain a Wimbledon after 77 years and the Aam Aadmi Party won its first election in Delhi. If this seems about right to you, then you have missed the big picture. Here’s how:

(forgive my fondness for numbered articles)

1.   Chocolate is on the verge of extinction.

Bold. CAPITALS. Self-explanatory.

*faints*

*recovers*

*stocks up on as much Nutella as is possible without raising suspicion*

2.   Karan Johar is back with KWK Season 4.

Now, he’s ‘dancing.’ Ouch. Like the world needs reminding that the end is approaching. I’ve never had much respect for the man thanks to his bright green jackets and the shameless giggling to his own jokes but my disrespect has reached new levels after seeing him ‘dance.’ What is with the ambition Karan? No really? Couldn’t you have stopped at pretending you could make movies? Now you have to flap your arms and legs around to prove to the world that you are, indeed, a loser? No amount of shouting “I’m baaacckkkk” is adding to your attractiveness. Or lack thereof. So next time, take a hint. Get married. And stay at home.

3.   Amazing is now Amazeballs.

Tweeps, Lollage, Laymanize, Squadoosh, Zhoosh, Verbal Diarrhoea and Mantyhose were some of the many astoundingly preposterous, ridiculous and bizarre words that were added to the dictionary in the last year that made me wonder if my education was of any use in this new age. As if learning (and seeing) what twerking was wasn’t enough. FOMO? YOLO.

4.   Another Kardashian enters the world.

And her name is North West. There is never a dull moment in the lives of the Kardashians is there? Enough said. The more the tabloids obsess over the Kardashians, the more episodes they make of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” and I know for a fact that we will never be able to keep up. Emotionally, mentally or physically.

5.   You can now print a gun. And yes, it may fire.

While groundbreaking innovations are laudable in the areas of healthcare and artificial intelligence, it’s a matter of opinion whether the 3D printer was put to the best use by printing a handgun, claimed to be ‘the guns of the future.’ At what cost? US $30 and the innocence of the former candy bearing children. So have you printed yours yet? Is it any good?

6.  The Big Fat International Wedding.

No, we are not talking about Princess Madeleine of Sweden and Chris O’Neil. The bride and groom in news is of course, Nokia-Microsoft. The marriage was widely proclaimed as a deal “not even a mother could love.” That ensured that Microsoft retained its reputation for acquisitions that were legen-wait-for-it-dary in their awfulness. Amidst the chaos with this union, poor Blackberry had no takers. All this means is that it’s time, yet again, to embrace Made in China. Cheers.

7.   iPhone 5C. At the price of a Jacuzzi. Made me woozy.

They claim that the ‘C’ stands for Colorful and Cheap. Maybe it should stand for Cheat. Or Con. Or just Crime. Certainly not sublime. I promise, no more rhyme.

Let's wrap it up before I find ways to get that 3D printed gun and use it on myself. Personally, I owe it to Max Black, Jesse Pinkman, Sheldon Cooper, John Reese, Harvey Specter, McDreamy, McSteamy and the ever comforting Chandler Bing without who I would have been like:

Happy New Year y’all!

Life is easier, with my Ears closed

Life is easier, with my Ears closed

Posted by Unknown

I always dread the few hours that my Mom leaves me in charge of the house, not because of the responsibility that comes with it, that includes chasing away squirrels that come into the house through peep-holes we didn’t know existed and convincing the vegetable vendor that we have sufficient stock of vegetables that would last for a week (Really Anna!), but because of the monologue I would have to endure from our Maid.

She would give the makers of Thirumathi Selvam and Athipookal a run for their money if her life was made into a Tamil serial (Read: Sob Story). After the first time I played audience to her dramatic rendition of “My Daughter-in-law Has Turned My Son Against Me,” I have a new found respect for my Mom and her tolerance level for the daily dose of maid-bitching.

So here I am today, listening to her rants about her family’s deteriorating health, her vastly crude knowledge of the human body and her profound abuses against the Medical Community, while my Mom was out helping one of my relatives shop for Gold Bangles, the need of the hour. But it is the following conversation that ensued, which left me speechless:

(The conversation happened in Tamil and has been captured in their precise words so that the sentiments can be better conveyed and understood, but the translation is also available beneath them)

She: Yemma Amma sonaanga nee ipo yaaro pudhu doctor kita pora nu, avar enga irukaaru?

(Your mom mentioned that you were consulting a new Doctor, where is his clinic?)

Me: *confused look*

She: Adhaan ma avar per kooda Umapathy nu sonaanga Amma

(Your mother said that his name is Umapathy)

Me: Illaye en Doctor peru Sudhakar

(No my Doctor goes by the name Sudhakar)

She: Illa Illa! Amma kandipa Umapathy nu dhaan sonanga. Nethu kooda poitu vandhiyame?

(No no! I am sure she said Umapathy and you visited him yesterday also apparently)

Me: Oh! Homeopathy ah???

(Do you mean Homeopathy?)

She: Aama Aama avar dhaan!

(Yes yes, him!)

I tried hard to stifle my laughter and instead, began to explain to her, the concept of Homeopathy. After 10 minutes of educating her and giving her the directions to the clinic, while she nodded along enthusiastically, I felt strangely content, like Sudha Murthy even.

Me: Anga poitu Dr. Sudhakar paaka vandhirken nu solunga.

(Once you get to the clinic, tell them you want to see Dr. Sudhakar)

She: Aiyo illama Amma ena Umapathy ah dhaan paaka solichu nee ena ipo Sudhakar nu enamo solra?

(Oh no! Your mom asked me to consult Dr. Umapathy, why are you saying some Sudhakar now?)

*Astounded silence for a few minutes*

Me: Illa avar ipo per maathitaaru

(No, he has changed his name now)

Progress or Regress?

Progress or Regress?

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 “Wait near CCD, the big one on Brigade Road. You’ll find these bright green buses on the opposite side. I’ll be there in ten minutes!” I marvelled at my friend’s ability to give utterly useless directions while trying to sound like Google Maps, to someone who hasn’t been to Bangalore in years. Controlling my exasperation in respect of our 15 year old friendship, I tried to navigate past the Sunday crowd in search of CCD. I mean, how difficult could it be? It’s CCD. They have an outlet around every corner.

That’s when I could literally hear Sheldon’s “Bazinga” as I saw not one, not two, but THREE Cafe Coffee Days on the same road, at a distance of barely 25 - 50 feet from each other. While I tried standing equidistant from all the three CCDs’ with the reason that it will help me locate my friend better (who said I was good at Math?), I pondered on the unnatural existence of three outlets of the same chain of eat outs on the same road. My inner voice interrupted my thought process and pointed out to something more situational and disturbing - all the three were brimming with what I could only assume to be overly social teenagers, determined to be seated there for the next few hours to say the least, with the excuse that it was a Sunday, leaving me stranded on the road in my new pumps that hurt and with a friend who showed no signs of turning up.

Suddenly, I had a new found respect for CCD. Not only do they attract a varied crowd like a moth to a flame, they also ensure that you keep coming back for more; although the latter maybe largely on account of free WIFI and their mind-numbing patience in tolerating anyone for hours. This, I feel, is a huge accomplishment in today’s cut-throat competition market where any nobody opens a “cafe”. Honestly, to open so many successful outlets across the country is no joke. I mean, there is one on the outskirts of Vellore! For me, that pretty much sums up both the desperation of the crowd to have a cool hang-out and the astute business mind that is the reason for the desperation.

In a world where your success is valued and measured by the number of likes and followers on Facebook and Twitter respectively, CCD sure does have a long life ahead. However, like Amish says in his Shiva Trilogy, “With great good, comes greater evil”. There was once a time when we used to hang out at our “best friend’s” house every weekend and every school holiday and the favour would be returned. We used to pester and nag our moms to make our friend’s favourite dish because his/her mom made Gobi Manchurian and Chocolate Cake last time we visited his house, and we can’t afford to look bad in front of him/her with just Biscuits and Lemonade.

While the distance between CCD and our home has been conveniently decreasing, the distance between us and our family has been ever increasing. The thought of entertaining our friends at home now appears to revolt us. The independence, comfort and convenience of the cafe have taken over the warmth and familiarity found back home.

I speak from experience when I say that having a coffee for 150 bucks with our friends is now an addiction more than a social pleasure. There was a time when I knew their Menu Card back to front. Sadly now, they have revamped their menu; and I have tramped away from the obsession.

I am reminded of a conversation I had with one of my Audit Managers, where she mentioned that during her days of internship, she used to “hang out” with her friends at a temple every day evening to share the events of the day with each other. I realised that in roughly 20 years, we had progressed from calm and quite temples that came at no cost to noisy and cramped cafes that needed you to carry the plastic card with you always.

Is this progress or regress? To squat at a cafe on a regular basis may arise on account of various excuses – compulsion, a strange infatuation, peer pressure or sometimes just one’s idiosyncrasy. What is to be realized here is that the answer to the question above lies in the choice we make – whether or not we allow the excuse to define who we really are.

Do's and Don'ts

Do's and Don'ts

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After constant nagging, portrayal of vivid & disturbing images of a diseased future and amma-ponnu sentiment, I finally succumbed to the pressure and agreed to go walking every day morning and give my parents some hope that I won’t die of obesity by the age of 25. The experience has been nothing short of enriching. It’s been an eye-opener, if not life altering.

Here’s an account of my observations from the daily 40-minute routine. Those who are about to embark upon a similar exercise need to pay careful attention to what follows:

5. Always carry a music player

The world is polluted with obnoxious know-it-all’s who consider themselves proficient in every subject ranging from Vishwaroopam’s delayed release to tax planning to Nithyashree’s husband’s suicide to Obama’s re-election to power cuts. To make matters worse, they have a voice that is raucous and stentorian. The only thing that can beat this daily dose of unwanted morning news would be your ever faithful music player. Hold on to it tight.

4. Do not allow your mother to accompany you

A social butterfly by your side does not serve the purpose if you want to go unnoticed. It doesn’t help that the butterfly has a well connected husband butterfly, all of whose friends seem to thrive at the walking grounds. The real trouble begins when the husband butterfly’s friends are curious about you. Either they don’t realise that you are his daughter (*insult*) or they comment on how much you have grown (a little too emphatically) since they last saw you at Chotu’s birthday party 10 years ago. I have two things to say to such snoopy dogs – One, if someone doesn’t grow in 10 years, it probably means he or she a Benjamin Button child and two, seen a mirror lately?

3. Do not make eye contact. With anyone.

Not only are they committing a fashion crime by wearing those godawful leopard print ear muffs, they have the nerve to endorse it to those (like me) who don’t wear them for two reasons: One, it’s Vellore. How cold can it get? Two, those things are sickening beyond description.

2. Never look around.

Unless you are a native of Delhi and miss the cold weather, do not ever look around. ‘cuz the scene that unfolds itself uncannily resembles something you would see only in Delhi or Shimla. It drops to 21 degrees and these characters, without even a little conscience, come out in gloves, trench coats and thermals. Seeing this, you start to sweat profusely and your 40 minute walk is cut short by 10 minutes for want of water and air.

1. Ensure that your bowels move before you move

You do not want nature calling you in the middle of your 4^th round of walking. You are unreachable and nature does not like it when you are busy or unreachable. What follows is a... Well, it’s self-explanatory.

To healthy living people!!